Question:
We have a 3-1/2 year old son with several food allergies, and we're
concerned about the psychological effects on him. He hasn't had an
anaphylactic reaction yet, but he probably would to peanuts, mustard, and
possibly other nuts and caraway seed. He's also quite allergic to milk,
although fortunately not anaphylactic to it. We suspect other milder
allergies as well.
We have tried to explain his allergies to him in terms he can
understand, talking about which foods make him itch (milk) and which foods
would make him very sick. He has never argued with us when we have told him
he can't have a certain food. However, he often looks very sad and has
recently started to say "Don't talk about it." In September, I was making
an alternate treat for his cousin's birthday party, and when he realized
what it was for (that he wasn't getting the cake that would be there,) he
went to his room and wanted to be left alone for about ten minutes. This
worried me more than if he'd had a tantrum--it's very unusual for him.
I know he needs to know about his allergies, but I worry that we have
may have overwhelmed him with more information than he can handle just yet.
Has anyone else's child reacted like this? I know his health depends on
these restrictions, but I still feel so sad for him. I worry that he will
feel different and excluded, and become overly fearful. How can we make
this easier for him? We try to be sure he has a comparable treat at
parties, and give him choices about what to eat within the allergy
limitations. We don't bug him about how much he eats or food preferences.
We also involve him in cooking. We know some other people with dietary
restrictions and have tried to show him that he isn't the only one. Any
other ideas?
Answer:
as for feeling different etc... I wouldn't worry too much about it... I've
been deathly allergic to milk all my life... and never felt left out
because I didn't get to eat icecream etc... there are a lot of
alternatives out there now... soy and rice based desserts... without nuts
etc...
It IS tough on a kid. My son could eat no grains or eggs until he was
three. He couldn't eat cake for his own birthday, and couldn't eat the
same snacks as the other kids at daycare. I would occasionally let him
have a little, though, so he could see the relationship between eating
those foods and then getting hives and congestion and being totally
miserable for a day. Now he is 7 and his only food restriction is milk. It still means he has
to carry his lunch to school to avoid cheese & such. He has become his
own "food cop" since he has to remember to turn down inappropriate
snacks at daycare. He thinks it's cool to get a "special" snack.
Dogs and cats are the other concern. He has never had a "sleep over" at
a friend's house. We don't know anyone who doesn't have a dog or cat in
the house!! It's been very hard for him to always say, "I can play with
you outside or at my house, but I can't go in your house."
Your description of your son sounds JUST like my 6 year old daughter,
especially the I DON"T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Anna is alleric now to
peanuts and the cold (its 18 degrees out today) {sigh}, but was allergic
to all legumes, milk, eggs, pineapple.. the list goes on and on.
Except for peanuts, I have always given her the choice to eat things,
given her reactions were gastro-intestinal and skin.. and nothing fatal.
She made good choices. Even at 3. Except for peanuts.. I dont think I
ever told her she couldn't have anything. I would say things like,
Anna, you can have the cake, but there are eggs in it and you will break
out in hives. It's your choice, but I can make you something else.
etc..etc...
I made sure that she had REALLY special things stored at school to eat
when the kids brought in birthday snacks. I have to commend her 1st
grade teacher who will not allow ANY kinds of nut snacks into her
classroon. Anna, and another boy with allergies have epipens there for
emergencies.
Depending on the child, since they are all SO different, I believe in
letting them make the choices, makes it seem less restricting, since
htey are choosing the consequence. Anna only ONCE chose to eat
something she shouldnt have.. a piece of cheese pizza. It turned out
that it wasnt the cheese she wanted, but the crust and sauce. Afte that
we started ordering cheeseless pizzas, and she LOVED them.
Having the whole family make certain choices is one way to avoid some
conflict, but it won't help too much when your child is outside the home.
For safety's sake, I feel that as soon as possible, a child should
understand which are allowable foods and which are not. (Don't rely on his
own discretion, of course, but I've been more impressed with his behavior
than I have with that of some of the teachers at his former daycare
situation, for example.) -- Ditto on that recommendation. I think you're much better off sticking to
one diet for an extended period. Otherwise, I feel there is a danger of
getting into that "but you let me have it last time" cycle of
disaster. If you are just starting to tell him about the allergies (if
they've just been diagnosed, for example), you might have a
bit of a harder time since your son's food preferences are probably more
solid than our younger son's were. Still though, I recommend the
matter-of-fact presentation of "these are your foods. Other people eat
different things,..."
We started when our son was about 18 months old, I think, and he
would say "Tee-cee (for Tracy, his older sister who has no known food
allergies) milk, A-vey (for Avery, rice milk) milk". Early on, he seemed
to develop a kind of pride in both knowing which foods were "his" and in
actually HAVING different foods. Lately, I've done more explaining of the
causal relationship between his diet and his itching (his allergies are
tied to eczema) and he seems to understand that a bit and be willing to
forego things in order to keep the discomfort at bay.
The holidays can present more of a challenge, but we've had good
luck with preparing a few special treats (spelt pumpkin bread, for
Thanksgiving/Christmas time) that we bring with us if we're going to a
celebration where others will be offered cookies, etc. From about age 2,
when halloween rolled around, our son would accept candy
from people but say "thank you, I'll give it to my sister." I can see a
bit of resentment creaping in now and then, but overall he seems happy as
long as he's offered some kind of choice -- even if it has too be "we'll
get you a treat later at the health food store."
Bottom line, psychologically speaking, since you asked (and I'm an expert
ONLY by virtue of dealing with my own and relatives' children): DON'T
APOLOGIZE for your child's food rules; OFFER CHOICES where and whenever
possible, of comparable texture, looks, and "treat-value"; and when it's
NOT food time, mention and discuss differences between people, physically
and culturally (including, of course, food choices).
And, for what it's worth, I believe our sons will be healthier eaters in
the long run because of the nutrition information they will have to learn
of necessity.
